My heart's been heavy lately, and before I'm able to write
my last paper for my ESL class tonight, I need to write about something that
matters more to me right now than a paper on Chapter 19 of my textbook.
This social media movement #YesAllWomen that began recently
after the mass shooting in California is both exciting and disturbing me. I'm
extremely grateful for what both women and men are sharing, but deeply troubled
by the injustice and perversion I've been reading and hearing lately. I've been
reflecting on my own experiences, as well, and the way that society has
influenced my own thoughts on gender roles, dating, relationships, and sex.
I've been reflecting on the way men have treated me, how I respond to men, and
the ways I've unintentionally encouraged male dominance and sexual aggression.
I've been reflecting on all the times I've felt disempowered, inferior, and
ashamed because of the way men have treated me or talked to me. And it's making
me angry. Like, really deeply irritated—at myself and at the
media and at society; at any form of misogyny or violence; at the lack of male
mentors; and at women (or men!) like me who have never spoken out or previously
recognized their shame and its link to male expectations and abuse.
I've been starting to question all my thought patterns and
behaviors in regards to men and dating, and it's been challenging. Just the
other night, a cute stranger started grinding on me on the dance floor, and I didn't
pull away and even encouraged him with a smile. Why? Do I want attention in that way? Does the fact that I was dancing
near him give him a right or privilege to dance with me in that way? Did I
encourage it only because I found him attractive? Is that ever appropriate
behavior?
And in stream more thoughts.
Did I really say sorry
and feel ashamed and prudish after he felt frustrated that I didn't want to go
any further?
Why didn't I call out the
cowardly and uncaring behavior of that supposedly "Christian" guy I
went out with twice, before I deleted his number from my phone? Will he treat
another girl like he did me?
Why did I let him make
me feel inferior—ever? Did I have him up on a pedestal? Did I not value my own
mind and body and spirit? My own individuality and intelligence?
Why did I encourage a
guy's initial objectification of me just because the way he said it seemed
humorous and clever and made me feel better about an insecurity?
Why do I keep hearing
that the person in a relationship who is less interested has the most power?
And that the Chicago dating scene is vicious? Are relationships and dating all
a game to people? Aren't we dealing with people's hearts here?
I think the saddest part of all this to me is that for so
long I, and I think many women, have absorbed any kind of hurt or shame or guilt we've experienced onto
ourselves, and we've swallowed it all and discredited its effect on us.
I want to
be stronger than I am; raise my standards for men's behavior; teach boys to be
real men and teach girls they have a voice, and a damn powerful one. I want to
keep addressing and discussing the small and large injustices my friends and I
have dealt with and move forward in confidence and strength, knowing Jesus is
behind this movement, behind me, behind women, behind equality. And I feel His
calling for me to lead as a young woman in my mid-twenties who has and will be
affected by these issues, and I want to invite others to lead along with me,
and stand for equality and freedom and love in the purest form. Selfless,
sacrificial, gracious love, free of expectations and agenda and power
imbalance.
Help me know where to go from here, friends, and how we can
help each other and this generation. Let's please keep this conversation going.
Jules,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this post, I too have experienced moments of feeling angry this year thinking about this issue. I love my neighborhood and usually feel very safe there- even when some guy(s) is being assholes and commenting on my physical appearance. But the other night I was out and a group of guys started talking to me and wouldn't drop it. I told myself they were just posturing which was probably true, but for the first time walking down my street, I had my phone out and 911 dialed. No one else was around and I realized that while sometimes I feel empowered to stick up for myself, the reality is that a group of guys who probably had no real intention of harming me can still make me feel profoundly unsafe. And that made me angry- that casual entertainment for them was putting me down.
After the incident though I've been thinking a lot about why that feels like appropriate entertainment for some people and power seems to have everything to do with it. The men that were harassing me on the street weren't drunk, they weren't coming from some fancy club, it kind of seemed like they were hanging out there because it was the best place they had to go. And it struck me that for them it might be less of them wanting to feel like they had power over me, and more that they wanted to feel any kind of power. Maybe misogyny is such a persistent problem because society encourages people to channel frustration into an easy, socially-acceptable target: the nearest woman.
Thanks for your comment, Libs, and for sharing your experience! I definitely agree with and appreciate your thoughts on this subject. I think you're right that often men just want to feel any kind of power and women can be their target. So, I think the question needs to be, "How can we empower boys and men to become leaders that enact positive behavior and change in the world?" I think boys need more male role models and mentors, believing in who they are and having honest conversations. And really, I think more men need to understand that Jesus in his example of servant leadership has given the best example of power and influence. I love The Mentoring Project that Donald Miller has started. Have you heard about it? http://www.thementoringproject.org/
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