"Merry sad Christmas, Beloved"

Hey friends. It's been awhile.

I don't know if I'll ever follow through on my writing about my lack of follow-through; it's kind of boring.

But I wanted to get my voice out there again, especially as I just read a blog post that resonated with me and I want to jump off of that one.

Here is that post. You should read it:

http://www.theveryworstmissionary.com/2013/12/the-fall-of-christmas.html

If you didn't just read it, she talks about how her Christmas tree fell down, and how she saw it was going to fall but she didn't know how to stop it from happening. She ties this event to loneliness and joy...how she was trying to find joy before the tree fell and that the eventual fall of it just seemed so "effing perfect" because her Christmas was already well on its way to "Sucksville." (I love her honesty and language.) She says that the fall of her Christmas tree felt right; it reminded her that Christ didn't come to fix it all, He came to be with us in it all. He came to be with us in our loneliness.

I'm glad she gets it. I'm glad that post and others like it are out there at this time. Christmas is often not a time of joy. My dad's friend's son committed suicide Christmas Eve and my parents just went to the funeral this morning. A friend's mom died several years ago at Christmas time. Another friend's dad just died unexpectedly. There is tragedy like this everywhere, and even loss that doesn't seem as severe can be felt more deeply at this time.

This Christmas, emotions surfaced over a lot of things I hadn't fully dealt with. These emotions weren't convenient, but the reality was I was experiencing them, and I had a hard time pretending I was fine around family. When found crying in my room, I was told to "suck it up." There's no room for that on Christmas, right?

I hope no one ever tells you that. I hope you never believe the lie that you have to act put together when you're not. I hope that you were able to feel deeply and grieve over any losses and heartache and guilt and pain and longing in your life and not pretend to be happy if you weren't this Christmas. I hope you were able to talk about your deepest emotions and issues with an empathetic family member. I hope you were able to drink wine and eat food not as a coping mechanism. I hope there were babies and little kids and pets surrounding you.

But most of all, I hope you were able to experience, like me, on my knees and my face on top of my yoga mat, the deep and wonderful love of a God whose name is Immanuel, "God with us."

Peace and love, mis amigos,

Jules