I need to write as much as I need sleep and food and coffee
and people. I forget that. And sometimes I think I need to write words for people to read. We need each others' stories.
~~~~~~~~~~
My transition from Mexico to Chicago to Indy has been a
confusing one, characterized by a full range of emotions--anger, grief,
disappointment, anxiety to joy, hope, excitement, peace--sometimes all within a
day. Some of it came from my own life experiences, some from digging into some of the issues in our world. I didn't know how to write about them. I still don't. It was too much.
Throughout this roller coaster, I've clung to prayer. And I’ve
started paying closer attention to my specific prayers and longings and the way
God responds. It has been incredible to pore over written
prayers in my journal and see with complete clarity how God has answered.
I prayed to be surprised. I prayed for my next romantic relationship
to stem from friendship. I prayed for God to restore me and my view of
relationships. His answer was, “Here you go. You’re ready for this now.” I
could not write a better story than the story He’s begun to write for Erick and
me.
But Erick wasn’t in my plan. Nor was the waiting, the
disappointment, the disillusionment involved in this move and in searching for
a job in Indy.
Many of my prayers have not been answered yet. It’s hard to be here
right now, waiting and wondering when the answers will come. I’m fighting the
urge to look for jobs in Illinois. I’m fighting my impatience, my anxiety, my fear
that I’ve yet again made the “wrong” decision, that this was a mistake. The
truth is, I’m still looking for ways out. Scheming, contemplating, wrestling
with my commitment to be in this place. Wondering if it was always just meant
to be a place I passed through every now and again, not my home.
I’m trying to trust the timing of all that’s happening. I
know it will get better. I know my faith is growing. I know it was stupid to
think these first two and a half weeks here would be one big party; that everyone
I know here would drop what they’re doing because I’m here now; that a full-time
job I want would naturally fall into my lap.
If I’ve learned anything in the past few weeks, it’s that I
often can’t see what I need. Doors shut that I thought were meant for me to walk
through, and I question, take for granted, or almost throw away the blessings He hands to me. I am often so blind.
So I’m leaning into Truth. I’m leaning into the promises of
the One who is sovereign over all. The One who knows what I need. I’m rereading my tattoos. Te doy gracia. I
give you grace. Poco a poco. Little by little.
God is good. He is faithful. He gives and gives and gives of
his abundant love. I believe it. And I hope in the midst of whatever storm you’re
in, you believe it too.
