In All Things, Give Thanks

I am thankful for…

• Never running out of gas when I allow it to go dangerously low
• Hot yoga (not Bikram)
• Reading/hearing writer friends' novels in development
• Beer + Scrabble
• My parents' graciousness
• My ability to stop bad behavior with a look
• Brany's rambling and stuttering in broken English when he doesn't know the answer to my question
• A's in my first two grad school classes
• Living on a prayer with Melanie
• Dancing in Boystown
• Inquisitive and attentive audiences for my unbelievable-sounding Bolivia stories
• Babies
• The times I don't need to set an alarm for anything
• The magic of Pandora radio
• My grandma's strength and normalcy after her mastectomy
• Deep dish pizza
• Iglesia Kairos and the friendships I'm developing with people from IDP and in my Bible study
• Wisdom that comes from relationships
• Friends from all parts of life who listen, encourage, inspire, stretch me, and teach me
• Steadiness and peace
• Kind strangers
• Photography
• Feeling empowered through the Spirit to speak, write, teach, sing, and create without shame and in the name of Truth
• The grace and joy I'm finding in this season

Lion & Lamb

As someone who likes to constantly be busy and moving and pursuing new things and talking to friends and planning and dreaming, who feels pangs of guilt for laying around, and who has trouble directing energy into creative processes because perusing Facebook, Instagram, and playing "Ruzzle" (gahh, addicting!) is easier, I don't often rest in the ways that are best for me.

This has gotten me thinking about carving out a weekend for a retreat, leaving behind all of my work, distractions, even food, and just escaping to some random church or cabin in the woods. I don't know how else I'm going to get alone with my thoughts and with God when I have such a lack of self-discipline and self-control. I check my phone, watch a TV show, get something to eat, go work out, listen to music, daydream, waste time online, and never get to things that are on my list, like play guitar and write and read all of those books on my list. And most importantly, pray. Like, really pray. Not the kind of praying I sometimes do throughout the day. But true, deep prayer that makes you cry because you realize once again that you're loved by the God of the universe. Prayer in the form of meditation. Prayer that is whole-hearted surrender, where anything that has to do with the physical world almost disappears.

I'm always reading at least a couple books and multiple articles at the same time. I don't think I have ADD, but maybe I do. Anyways, one of the books I've been reading and re-reading after every sentence and/or paragraph and/or page is "The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus" by Brennan Manning. It is incredibly healing and life-giving. My underlining and highlighting is getting out of control, and so are the number of times I write the word "yes" or "!!!" in the margin. The essential intention behind this book is to paint the picture of Jesus as the Lion and the Lamb—"The Lion who will kill all that separates us from Him; the Lamb who was killed to mend that separation…" This book is changing me. It's renewing me. It's helping me to love myself more, to forgive myself, to not be so damn hard on myself.

Resting with this book is true rest for me. Same with anything by Henri Nouwen, as well as Jesus' own words in that one old book…you know the one…

Some of my favorite quotes from Manning's book:

Quote from Bernard Bush: "If you love yourself intensely and freely, then your feelings about yourself correspond perfectly to the sentiments of Jesus."

"He calls me to repentance, to humbly acknowledge my failure without being unduly disturbed by it, and in the power of His Spirit to get on with the compassionate life."

Quote by the Trappist monk Thomas Merton: "Thank God, thank God that I am like other men, that I am only a man among others. It is a glorious destination to be a member of the human race."

"To us who cry out from the depths of our brokenness for a hand that will touch us, an arm that can embrace us, lips that will kiss us, a word that speaks to us here and now, and a heart that is not afraid of our fears and tremblings; to us, who feel our own pain as no other human being feels it, has felt it, or ever will feel it and who are always waiting for someone who dares to come close—to us has come a man who can truly say, 'I am with you.' Jesus Christ is God with us and our every human pain reverberates in his innermost self."

(Jesus paraphrased by Manning): "I will not leave you alone. You are mine. I know each of My sheep by name. You belong to me. If you think I am finished with you, if you think I am a small god that you can keep at a safe distance, I will pounce upon you like a roaring lion, tear you to pieces, rip you to shreds and break every bone in your body. Then I will mend you, cradle you in My arms and kiss you tenderly."

"But living out of the center has taught me that every failure succeeds in some way. It provides the opportunity not only to humble the self but also to be gentle with the failure of others. If your life or mine was an untarnished success story, an unbroken upward spiral toward holiness, we might never come to understand the human heart."

Ahhh. SO GOOD. READ THIS BOOK! 

People, you are LOVED. And if you feel lost right now, SEEK. Jesus is relentlessly and tenderly loving you, no matter what shit you've done or thought, or continue to do or think. No matter how much you have rejected Him, or still do. 

And now I'll get off my soapbox.

Also, I am taking recommendations for personal retreat venues close to Chicago.

Thanks for reading, friends. I always hope the words I write can bless, inspire, or encourage. I hope what I wrote here allowed something good to stir in you. :)