For those of you that don't watch it (spoiler alert--kind of--to people that do), this past Tuesday's episode centered around the theme of "goodness" and what that means and where it even gets us. Schmidt is facing the repercussions of dating two girls at the same time and having it blow up in his face, and is wondering if he is a "good" person. He wants to know that he is and feels like he can only know that through other people telling him he is, so he asks his friends, strangers, and a rabbi if he is a good person. He then saves someone's life by giving him the Heimlich, and while it momentarily makes him feel good, he then goes back to needing people's recognition of his goodness. Then, he questions why people should even be good when bad things happen to good people all the time. There are some comments made about moral integrity and in the end Winston says to Schmidt that he's a good person and just needs to work on being a better person. He gives Schmidt a candelabra as a reminder "to be a better person," saying something like it will "illuminate" his mind or his path.
I felt for Schmidt. I understand those questions. I understand the need for affirmation. I totally know where he's coming from and I know what Winston said and did was well-intended.
But I couldn't help but think how miserable it would be to live just "trying to be better." To question all the time if I was a good person or a bad person. To desperately need humans to tell me, "Julie, you're a good person." How miserable would my life be if my actions determined my "goodness" and what I thought about myself? How miserable would my life be if I couldn't forgive myself because I didn't think I was worthy of forgiveness?
I read a little bit of Psalms tonight and in this translation the words "unfailing love" occur over and over. I had written at the top of a page awhile back "unfailing love=mercy." Thank God for mercy. Thank God for grace. Thank God this life isn't about striving to be a better person. The Spirit gives me freedom. I have to daily live in that freedom and recognize the pursuit of God's love no matter what mistakes I make every day and where my heart is at. It's still amazing to me after all these years how much I can mess up and shut out the Spirit, shut out everything I grew up knowing, and begin to question, "Who am I??" Just like Schmidt, I'll temporarily wrestle with questions revolving around my goodness and morals, and then come back to remembering I am nothing. I am dust. Yet God calls me His beloved. And that overwhelming pursuit of love that began at creation and was demonstrated to us fully on the cross is the only reason I am able to do any good at all. I will fail time and time again to be a better person than I am right now, or than I was before, but Jesus draws me into a better life.
Amen.
